Archive Catalogue

Department of Useless Provocations

a continuing irregular publication of insufficient provocation · c. unknown – present

Notice to the Reader. The present catalogue lists the volumes of this journal that the editorial board has permitted into circulation, together with those volumes that the board has declined, prevented, or otherwise misplaced. The list is incomplete. It is incomplete in the literal sense (some volumes are absent for reasons given below) and also in the more troubling sense, in that the journal continues to publish, irregularly, without the editorial board’s knowledge.

I. Volumes in Circulation

Vol. III, no. 13c. 2024

The Asshole — Origins and Cultural Significance

A brief survey from 2400 BCE to the present

Examines the cultural and metaphysical trajectory of A., an entity first attested in Sumerian cuneiform and subsequently appearing across at least seventeen distinct human cultures. Methodologically conservative; rhetorically unsupervised.

→ read

Vol. IV, no. 17n.d.

The Pit — A Brief Survey of Bottomlessness

Extends Vol. III by descending into its concluding sentence

A measured and largely-unmeasurable investigation of P., including the Linglestown Manhole and the unaccountable disappearance of an MIT-issued fiber-optic camera in 2011. The journal’s shortest volume by page count and longest by implication.

→ read

Vol. VII, no. 23n.d.

The Vibration — Linglestown’s Inaudible Inheritance, 1972–Present

A monograph on instruments that record silence

Documents the persistent low-frequency disturbance reported in Linglestown over five decades. Of relevance to acousticians, geologists, dental patients, and the worried.

→ read

Vol. IX, no. 29n.d.

The Marquee — A Study in Unread Reading

An eye-tracking study of the website you are presently on

Records the strange habits of the rolling text banner appearing on every page of this site except the archive itself. The marquee is read by every reader; no two readers read the same marquee.

→ read

Vol. XII, no. 41n.d.

The Diaper Department — An Anatomy of Infernal Continence Logistics

Field report on the Sub-Wrath Continence Bureau

Operational structure, staffing model, and material-science underpinnings of the largest non-administrative bureau in Hell. Recommended to readers with strong olfactory tolerance and a working knowledge of WCF measurement.

→ read

Vol. XIV, no. 47n.d.

Carl — A Twelve-Day Field Survey of a Suspected Lesser Demon, Linglestown Township

Notes from behind the privet hedge

Continuous behavioral observation of a single male subject (S-7) from a fixed station in his neighbour’s hedge. Findings provisional, methodology indefensible, evidence (in the authors’ judgement) overwhelming.

→ read

II. Volumes Withheld from Publication

Vol. I, no. 1

The Founding Paper

█████████ — redacted at the request of the editorial board, which the volume itself argues against the existence of.

Vol. II, no. 7

On the Beet

Lost in transit, 1948. The single bound copy was last seen at a railway station near Linglestown; the porter who handled it has emigrated, twice. The Department has decided not to reconstruct the contents.

Vol. V, no. 19

The Borough That Will Not Be Named

The author, on receipt of the galleys, withdrew the manuscript with the explanation that “it is reading me back.” The galleys have been sealed. The seal has not held.

Vol. VI, no. 22

Confidence Tricks of the Eleventh Century

Subject withdrew consent post-mortem. (The Department has accepted this withdrawal in good faith; the subject was not consulted before publication, and accordingly may not have a position.)

Vol. VIII, no. 25

The Page that Reads Itself

Published, then unpublished. The print run of 200 was recalled. 198 copies were destroyed. The remaining two declined.

Vol. X, no. 31

Three Sermons Heard in Sleep

Released under separate cover; the cover has been lost. The remainder of the volume has not been examined since 1971, and is held in a locker at the Linglestown Sheetz pending reclamation by the author.

Vol. XI, no. 37

A Brief History of Beekeeping

The single bound copy was eaten. The Department has not investigated by whom.

Vol. XIII, no. 43

Heffelfinger v. The Website (Companion Volume)

Currently in litigation. The plaintiff is named in three filings. The plaintiff is, in two of the filings, the volume itself.

Vol. XV, no. 51

The Reader

Will not be released in the reader’s lifetime. The reader is not the subject of this restriction.

Vol. XVI, no. 53

Reply to Vol. XV

Pending the outcome of Vol. XV, which itself depends on the outcome of Vol. XVI. The Department is aware of the difficulty.

Vol. XIX, no. 61

The Cat

The cat declined to be interviewed and, on each subsequent attempt, was observed to leave the room before the question had been formed.

Vol. XXII, no. 71

An Open Letter to the Reader

Withheld at the request of the addressee, who has read it.

III. Forthcoming

Vol. XVII — title not yet decided. The Department notes that selecting the title is, increasingly, what the volume is about.

Vol. XVIII — in preparation. Subject area: "that which has already been written but has not yet been authored."

Vol. XX — final volume. The Department does not expect to write any further volumes after Vol. XX. The Department has not, however, expected this for any prior volume either.

The volumes listed above represent all that the editorial board is aware of.
Other volumes may exist. The journal continues to publish in the editorial board’s absence.
Submissions are not accepted. Submissions, on rare occasions, are accepted anyway.

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